@kimtopher22

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

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@ShellHasDragons

Me: I’ve decided to start a salon from home.
Also me: Hair just everywhere

@SofieHagen

So far 0% of white men in suits find it it funny when I lean in and whisper ‘scary costume’.

@stinky_blinders

Why didn’t Harry just grab the horcruxes, fly on the giant eagles to Mordor, and have Yoda destroy them with his phaser???

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

@RickAaron

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

@ThatBloke_Jesus

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

@awesomeseank

Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.

@5hael

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

@Dani21013

Some cats bring their owners birds & mice.
Mine just brought me a potato.