To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
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I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Money is the root of all wealth
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
23. the denim jacket
Breaking news:
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.