To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
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Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place