My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
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I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.