to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
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Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Thursday
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No