@electrolemon

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

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@squirrel74wkgn

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

@TamiDaBushPilot

him: *rolls over and puts his hand under the pillow* what’s this?
me: what, my snuggle knife?

@Robert_Beau

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

@D_Ciphered

My psychiatrist tells me it’s just transference, but I’m pretty sure I love anyone who will listen to my problems armed with a prescription pad.

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

@Malocallidus

I wish IKEA was more like Lego.. on the back of the box it would show you 4 other things you could make from the same materials.

@PaulyPeligroso

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

@junejuly12

“Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks”

Translated from “be with you shortly”