To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
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Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
It be like that sometimes 😆
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar