What’s so funny?
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Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.