me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
To Doo List:
2. Yabba Dabba
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Home Alone 3: Take the Hint, Kevin
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
1. Sits in the bedroom
2. Doesn’t leave the house
3. Doesn’t go out with freinds
My childhood punishments are my adult hobies 😎
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.