To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
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I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is