Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
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FRIEND: Women like when you’re honest with them.
[later on date]
HER: So tell me about yourself.
ME: *leans in close* I didn’t bring any money.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
IT WANT DIE
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily