To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
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My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Steam Forums
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
It’s the weekend y’all
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.