Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
You Might Also Like
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.