To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
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4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
🤔😂😂
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time