To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
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BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
These aliens are taking forever.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.