To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory

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“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”


This sheep escaped a farm and spent 6 years in the mountains, during which time he grew 60 pounds of wool. Predators tried to eat him, but their teeth could not penetrate the floof. You don’t have to turn hard to survive the wolves, just be really, really soft and fluffy.


Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00


Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”


Eastern Europe – 1989

“If we leave the Soviet Union, we might have to get visas to visit Siberia and turnips will be more expensive”


Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.


Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.


The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.


Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.