@HatfieldAnne

To everyone I ever mocked for accidentally running your earbuds through the washer: I have some news that will please you.

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@markydoodoo

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

@Parkerlawyer

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

@Thrill_Tweeter

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

@roxiqt

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

@Halbeerz

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

@derpintine

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

@PrestoVision

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo