Boss left his email open.
Me: *looks around, send email to district manager “i love you”
Now we wait
To everyone I ever mocked for accidentally running your earbuds through the washer: I have some news that will please you.
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Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
My goal of having sex in 2020 isn’t looking good.
2021 isn’t looking good either.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
If you’re going Black Friday shopping tomorrow, be a decent human being & turn your phone horizontal before you record any fights