Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
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(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
happy mother’s day❤️
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate