They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
To everyone I ever mocked for accidentally running your earbuds through the washer: I have some news that will please you.
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I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo