@HatfieldAnne

To everyone I ever mocked for accidentally running your earbuds through the washer: I have some news that will please you.

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@turtledumplin

Boss left his email open.
Me: *looks around, send email to district manager “i love you”

Now we wait

@ashmensch

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

@Robinbuble

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

@Cheeseboy22

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

@bgdadyspnkbtm

My goal of having sex in 2020 isn’t looking good.

2021 isn’t looking good either.

@SteveSuckington

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

@Jake_Vig

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

@Bdell1014

If you’re going Black Friday shopping tomorrow, be a decent human being & turn your phone horizontal before you record any fights