To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
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Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.