her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
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me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I might carry a baby with one hand.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
#merica
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
based al yankovic
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.