To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
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People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”