To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
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Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
When you let grandma cat sit
Canada has crack?
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I ate everything, including the H.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP