To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
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[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!