To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

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Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.


“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)


Me, age 4: When I grow up I wanna be a penguin!
Me, age 28: *still working on becoming a penguin*


*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*


“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…


Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”


INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*


All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus