To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
You Might Also Like
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.