To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
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Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I think I’ll stand
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store