To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
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8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*