To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

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[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?


its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.


If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.


*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.


Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.



Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?


If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.


If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”


Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”


Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.