To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
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My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
How wrong was this guy?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something