To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
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I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Rather alarming headline…
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
My what?
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
reduce, reuse, recycle
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*