To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
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[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
shut up and take my money
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Body by Oreos
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I’d … I’d rather not.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.