@darksidedeb

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

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@PajamaBen_

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

@SteveSuckington

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

@daddyville

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

@VisionBored1

My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit

@petemandik

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

@BlindVigil

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

@skedaddle74

All the answers you need in life are in that one movie your mom wouldn’t let you watch when you were seven.

@TEXASVETERAN

If I get married, I’d take my wife to a deserted island on our honeymoon. On our 15th anniversary, I’d return to pick her up.

Maybe.

@Mhmm_ok_sure

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

@LurkAtHomeMom

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.