To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

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*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*


*octopus goes in for a palm reading*



Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.


My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit


If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.


“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…


All the answers you need in life are in that one movie your mom wouldn’t let you watch when you were seven.


If I get married, I’d take my wife to a deserted island on our honeymoon. On our 15th anniversary, I’d return to pick her up.



Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?


Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.