To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
You Might Also Like
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.