Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
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I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Mother Superior: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: *putting down Sister Agatha* Sorry, Reverend Mother
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.