@hellohappy_time

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

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@hrtbps

My New Year’s resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048×1080. I’ll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word ‘resolution’ can also refer t

@TheMichaelRock

Some guy told me I wasn’t funny today, so I punched him in his face because nobody likes liars.

@NottaBigDeal

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

@kimtopher22

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

@ramzy

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

@AntiJokeTyrone

A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby

@patnspankme

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.