@hellohappy_time

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

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@ChewedOnBoobs

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

@Roweboat13G

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

@FU_TangClan

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

@momTruthBomb

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

@Gupton68

[playing nunchucks]

Mother Superior: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: *putting down Sister Agatha* Sorry, Reverend Mother

@danagould

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

@Brampersandon_

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

@McMcmadmac

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

@Darlainky

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.