“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
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Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
lmao
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god