[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
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People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Pandas 🐼🖤
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Google Pay be like:
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket