Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
You Might Also Like
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Note to self: always read the final line
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.