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@gilozeri

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

@YearOfRat

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

@TheToddWilliams

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

@rockymomax

BAILIFF: do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the
ME: no
JUDGE: [flipping through law handbook] what do we do if he says no?

@ericsshadow

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

@shopkins776

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

@Matt_The_1st

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

@abhorrent_wife

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

@briancthayer

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

@4ScoreN20Bowls

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer