johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
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My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
BAILIFF: do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the
JUDGE: [flipping through law handbook] what do we do if he says no?
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?
Parenthood. It’s for you
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
M: You’re welcome.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer