i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
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Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.