I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
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Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
🍞🦆
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Thinking about Jeff