To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
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What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me