To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
You Might Also Like
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?