To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
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I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Coffee is ready.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
*puts my mental health in rice
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*