@imskytrash

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

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@musicntats

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

@_CakeBawse

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

@jake_likes_naps

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

@HousewifeOfHell

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

@BucMarvin

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

@wittwitbarista

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

@dadofbieber

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

@PaperWash

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?