10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
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If I was a superhero, I would be “not right now” man.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?