(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
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Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.