To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
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“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Holy moly
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Coffee for people with no kids
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.