To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
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I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.