“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
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i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.