*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
You Might Also Like
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Sits up from couch..
Fridge: HIDE HE’S COMING BACK
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
When the police asked me where I was between 4 and 5, apparently “Kindergarten” wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says “another day in paradise”.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids