@BlindVigil

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

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@beefman138

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

@leontymccarthy

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

@h0tmessmama

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

@kwirkyKerri

I darkened my hair and now people expect me to be smart too. It’s exhausting. Send bleach.

@xysist

Angel: So what is this?

God: The alligator

Angel: Why, it looks like the crocodile

God: It’s the android version

[ Fist bump ]

@murrman5

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

@thatUPSdude

Hey girl are you the IRS, because you’re all up in my business.

@BoomBoomBetty

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

@AndyRichter

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.