To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
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Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT