To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

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How to make a woman crazy in two steps:
1. Take a picture of her
2. Don’t show her the picture


Me, age 4: When I grow up I wanna be a penguin!
Me, age 28: *still working on becoming a penguin*


M: I can’t access Twitter

IT: We blocked twitter

M: What am I supposed to do with this computer now?

IT: Work?

M: Who hurt you?


Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.


Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.


The Molotov cocktail is of course named after Vitaly Molotov, an 18th century Russian industrialist who exploded after being thrown at a car


*Goes to Czechoslovakia to shop for a car with Automatic Braking System

*Czechs for ABS


I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.


What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.