@SkinnieTalls

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

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@leshnevsky

How to make a woman crazy in two steps:
1. Take a picture of her
2. Don’t show her the picture

@SlothSlouch

Me, age 4: When I grow up I wanna be a penguin!
Me, age 28: *still working on becoming a penguin*

@astutenewf

M: I can’t access Twitter

IT: We blocked twitter

M: What am I supposed to do with this computer now?

IT: Work?

M: Who hurt you?

@mjkspeaks

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

@chuuew

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

@philyuck

The Molotov cocktail is of course named after Vitaly Molotov, an 18th century Russian industrialist who exploded after being thrown at a car

@Scott_A_Gilmore

*Goes to Czechoslovakia to shop for a car with Automatic Braking System

*Czechs for ABS

@edgarrants

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

@Smug_Lemur

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.