To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
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[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Ugh but profoundly
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.