To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
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M:
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M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
welcome back
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license