@McGrumpenstein

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

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@heyitsJudeD

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

@ShrinkMedia

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

@oxygenplug

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

@Underchilde

Wedding rehearsals, because ruining your life takes practice.

@KylePlantEmoji

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

@sofarrsogud

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

@handsock_butts

Me: I didn’t get anything this year. Do you think Santa’s magic…is running out?

Wife: Santa isn’t real

Me: Don’t lie to save my feelings

@jctwritesstuff

Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.

@DurtMcHurtt

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

@UncleDuke1969

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”