To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
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Nice try, NASA
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹