To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
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How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
i made a craigslist ad !
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.