Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
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Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted