To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
You Might Also Like
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
$3 #books
The days of good grammer has went
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories