@WilliamAder

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

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@Kateness8

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

@deedragonhunter

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

@imchriskelly

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

@abbycohenwl

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

@vladchoc

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

@Michael_Erhart

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

@kristynn11

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

@karanbirtinna

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.