To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

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My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in


Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.


I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.


Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long


Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.


[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.


The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.


Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.