To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
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Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”