i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
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Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert