To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud.

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[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)


Maybe Taylor Swfit dates Justin Bieber and John Mayer dates Selena Gomez and it’s like matter/anti-matter and they all explode?


4yo has repeated one word for an hour. 6yo is ninja fighting his imaginary friend.

My move to a mental asylum will be an easy transition.


To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.


Hubs: There’s nothing on TV *winks*
Me: Remember last time?

*both look at 2yo*

Hubs: There’s over 900 channels, we’ll find something


I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.


BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.


“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”


we need a slur for people who give you a weird backhanded compliment 6 seconds after meeting you