To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
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The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Haha good job!!
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer