@215potter

To my future kids: I apologize for the lack of college funds…

Blame mom, she INSISTED on organic produce from Whole Foods.

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@WilliamAder

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

My daughter found a new boyfriend.
I’m just glad the police haven’t found the old one.

@Jenny4ashley

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

@YourMomsucksTho

i’m bored i think I’ll ask my husband if he’d stay single if i died suddenly and which one of my friends he thinks is hot

@MarfSalvador

[Desert island]
Me: JANE!
Jane: What?
M: It’s a boat!
J: HEEEEEEEEELP!

Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats

@dumbbeezie

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

@partlyfunny

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.