@215potter

To my future kids: I apologize for the lack of college funds…

Blame mom, she INSISTED on organic produce from Whole Foods.

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@LuvPug

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

@JohnLyonTweets

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

@truegritrumble

COWORKER: I’m going to my friend’s lake house this weekend for a party.
ME: *lying* I also have friends.

@daemonic3

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

@fuzzlime

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

@MoistPork

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

@SteussieErica

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

@decentbirthday

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

@DadandBuried

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

@elizaskinner

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”