My loaf of bread looks terrified
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The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Oh deer
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.