Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
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Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
smartest karate player in the world
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes