@figgled

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

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@Sassafrantz

Out of all the children’s stories, Goldilocks is the most ridiculous. How’s someone just gonna fall asleep while committing a felony? smh

@ThisOneSayz

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

@3sunzzz

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

@NicolaJSwinney

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

@NrouteHQ

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

@bombsydoll

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*hits wall outlet
*has amazing time being electrocuted